Angie and I Saw Thor 2: 2 Times The Hunky-ness

I have been excited for this movie for months. MONTHS! I've gone so far as to put up self-made posters at work in irregular intervals using pictures of Thor and my face to remind everyone of how excited I am. Recently at a get-together, someone mentioned it's impending release and I began running on the spot screaming, "Ahhhhhhhh!" No words, just screams. I was slightly drunk, but no matter.

FINALLY! Angie and I got her husband to drop us off at the theatre last night, and the best night of our lives began. ASGARD, SHALL WE BEGIN?!?!?!

There was pretty much no way I was not going to like this movie. Google image searches had already revealed the alterations they made to Thor's costume (Thor 2: 2 Times The Bare Biceps!), and that alone would have sent me home sleeping well. It could have been two hours of Thor in his new sleeveless armor doing nothing but playing Counterstrike, a game I consider to be the most boooooring of all games, and I still would have been satisfied. It's no secret that blond, blue-eyed men, especially those of the viking variety, are my weakness, so you could pretty much throw one or two of those in a movie and I will shut up and throw you bags of money to see it. This was no exception.

I don't remember exactly how the movie opened, I think I was still too amped up from the Need For Speed trailer they showed just before it, because cars! Explosions!! JESSEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I was later glad I didn't yell out, "OH FUCK YES!" because it turns out that two twelve year olds were sitting one seat left of Angie. 

Anyway, by the time I was paying attention, Thor's gang was fighting a bunch of dudes on some planet we've never seen before. Thor, for reasons not explained, arrives late to the party. Was he washing his hair? Did he sleep in? Then even though they seem to be fighting some big battle, the baddies send in a giant made of rocks that is super heavy-footed and EVERYONE STOPS FIGHTING so they can form a circle for Thor and Rock Giant to dance battle it out. Thor wins first try, says something smug and pithy, war over. His hair looks great.

Back on Asgard, and in no way that forwards the story whatsoever, Thor later takes off his shirt and washes his face. I am very disappointed we only see shirtless Thor's back, and zero of his perfectly sculpted chest and dream-making abs. I feel like they could've given us a little more bang for our buck. 

Everyone is celebrating and having fun, but Thor is doing his best Jon Snow impression because he really misses Jane even though he hasn't seen her in two years and all they ever did was kiss. Does no one have sex in these Marvel movies? Can we please have a sequel where Thor goes on a lusty sex rampage and sluts it up with a bunch of girls who look just like me?? Hahahahahahaha! Just kidding. No I'm not.

Meanwhile, Natalie-that-is-not-me is in London or whatever, and Alexander Skarsgard's Dad has gone a little crazy and can't keep his pants on. Of all the characters who could have had this problem, they choose Dad 3 from Mamma Mia? Missed opportunity. I don't really care all that much about this part of the story, except for the guy from The IT Crowd who is really funny and endearing. Can I talk about what I do care about? LOKI!!!!

Fuck, that Loki. I had gone into this movie feeling secure in my pants-off feelings for Thor. I have a Thor bobble head that sits on my stove, and Thor is pretty much my inner 14 year old's dream of all dreams served on a surfboard, but I think I've been swayed to the dark side. That Loki is so charismatic! He's mischievous! He's got really nice hair! And he kind of reminds me of what it would be like if a cat was stuck inside a human's body- slightly evil, but cunning enough to win your affection, and lacking both compassion and empathy making him a perfect morally deprived mastermind. I loved him. He was the best part of The Avengers in my opinion, and the best part of Thor 2: 2many Biceps. I also find him ridiculously beguiling and I-forgot-to-wear-underwear-on-purpose-sexy. TRICK YOUR WAY INTO MY BED ANYTIME, LOKI!!! But keep the outfit on, I like the dark leather.

So Loki is in some glass box cell thing for all the trouble he stirred up in The Avengers movie, and I like that he tries to brush it off like, "Right after I had complete submission from the pathetic humans using an aggressive slug-alien army, I was going to be a really nice overlord!" I also liked that he paced his glass box like a panther waiting for a zookeeper to make a mistake. Those eyes! THOSE EYES! Ugh. So wounded and pleading, yet so untrustworthy.

Some other stuff happens, Thor sets Loki free under the condition that he help him save the galaxy from an albino dude with really nice braids and those guys with the masks from America's Best Dance Crew. The countdown to betrayal begins! Just in case you forgot, pretty much all of Thor's gang threaten to kill Loki if he double crosses Thor. You guys, come on! That's like leaving the bathroom door open and expecting the cat to NOT unroll the toilet paper all over the floor and then drag it into the living room and surprise you with a giant mess. It's what he does! And does he ever. Thor and Loki go to Night Elf Mohawk planet to meet the bad guy, Thor releases Loki from his restraints, and then Loki CHOPS OFF HIS HAND!!!! Ahhhhh, what the fuck?!?! Good god, Alan Taylor! You already chopped off Jaime Lannister's hand this year, and it took me weeks to get over that one. Can we please just let these good looking men keep their body parts? My daydreams are remarkably less sexy when the kingslayer is running his stump through my hair. But then oh shit! It was just one of Loki's tricks. LOL, good one Loki, you guys totally got the upper hand on Elf Dude.

Does it really matter what happens for the rest of the movie? Thor saves the world (Spoiler). Loki dies, but then maybe doesn't, but then definitely doesn't because at the end he tricks Thor into thinking he's their Dad sitting on the throne having an emotionally unavailable men's heart to heart. Just one question though, where was real Dad during this whole conversation? Was he taking a nap? Watching Matlock? On the toilet? Stringer Bell maybe needs to reconsider his guardian skills if bad guys and Loki are constantly getting into Asgard as if it were the one house on the block with a pool that everyone is sneaking into. I liked that Mr. Eko was in this one too.

All in all, I give Thor 2night I'm Sleeping Soundly, 4 sexy Lokis out of 5 fantasy suites.


Natalie Bell stayed up all night watching videos of Tom Hiddleston on YouTube because it seemed like the rational thing to do. This was partially because she was upset to learn that Netflix Canada doesn't have The Avengers in their lineup. Sometimes Netflix Canada feels like being the Loki of streaming video- brought up to think he's destined for the same greatness as his brother, but really he's just the adopted one that always gets hand-me-downs and the decidedly less cool helmet. Speaking of, why doesn't Loki look like a Frost Giant all the time? Has this ever been explained?!?